Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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