Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
