I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
