My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What did we do last night that was yellow?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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