I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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