then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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