from now on my penis is your penis
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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