She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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