mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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