I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
