walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Randomize
