If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
