My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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