Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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