im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
