He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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