imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
