Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
