I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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