I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
