you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
