I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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