I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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