I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
