I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
