i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
