remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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