Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
