I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
