i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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