in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
