Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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