You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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