why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
