well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
