When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Can I color on your dick again?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
