He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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