I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
