Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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