I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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