My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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