where am i from again
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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