I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
