Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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