Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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