I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
