plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
