My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
