She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
