You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
